Great Scott!

Well I have had some time to cool down since the last rant. (definitely needed it...) And did some research, and am waiting to hear back from some people, but it looks like I, Kayla Van Eps, made a decision about her future. The best part is, unlike all the other billions of times, that this one feels 100% right!  So here's a cheer to hoping that I get the info that I need and can do what I want!

I would also like to thank everyone who has been a shoulder for me in the last week. I know I haven't been in any sort of semi happy mood. I greatly appreciate all the support!

kk

Isnt it Ironic?

So this job that I have been endlessly bitching about...well its about to be over. Not by my choosing though. That means I should be happy, right? Not the case. The county government decided to sell the ambulance service (against the ambulance committee's recommendation) to a man that I refuse to work for. I have put my heart and soul into this place. It has been a part of my life for 25% of my life. When I look around and see all the things that I have done here, all the things I have changed, and especially all the people that I have met that have become a family to me, it breaks my heart to have heard one of the county commissioners go as far as saying "the employee's opinions don't count on the matter!" All because he wants to make the quick buck for the county, shoving aside the concerns of the community's safety. Guess that just doesn't matter when the county needs money. I am heartbroken, but I am also a bit relieved. Relieved in the fact that my decision to leave is now incredibly easy. Relieved that the choice was pretty much made for me. That I don't have to be the one walking away, because I really didn't have the strength before, even if I had wanted to.

Thank you, SCAS, for breaking up with me! Even if it was the dumbest, most hasty and worst decision the county could have ever made. ...oh, but it doesn't matter what the employees think, so I hope that when the new guy comes in he brings his army of EMT's and Medics, because there isn't going to be anyone left here.

agrivation station

I feel so stupid sometimes. Mostly about boys. guys. men. Whatever you want to call them, I am 110% illiterate on the subject matter. I mainly feel stupid because I was fooled into falling in love knowing that the person I fell in love with didn't and probably wouldn't love me back. Did I mention I am also naive? Thinking that maybe true love would always win....yeah, that's a stretch and then some. Ok, so I am being extremely bitter now, but with good cause. See, my boyfriend, my first love, broke up with me peacefully and calmly. I am not certain he even shed a tear. Hestayed with the whole "wanting to still be friends" mantra...it seems to feel like it will always work out.

Well here's what I have to say to you for still wanting to be friends: I wish you would have been bitter. I wish you would have had specific reasons for breaking it off. I wish you would man up enough to tell me that you just dont like me at all. Not the whole "There is absolutly nothing 'wrong' about you, I just dont want to be in a relationship with you" line. I want you to not want to be around me. I want to be mad at you, but I have no real reason, other than this: My heart is in pieces, and every time I have it almost picked up and safeguarded from you, you seem to weasle back in just the slightest bit and make me think about you again. I wonder if you are doing ok. I wonder why, even though you say I am one of your best friends, that I am the one who has to initiate any 'hang out' time. I feel like a tool. In fact, I am a tool in your little messed up world. I work and bend myself around you because I enjoy spending time with you. (yes, as a friend, who would have thought???) Oh wait....We enjoyed each others friendship for a year and a half before we started dating...

I am tired of being the one who has to start it all. I am tired of being the one who makes the plans, and then waits for you to decide whether my time is worth yours or not.

Please make up your mind and either be the friend I know you are capable of being, or man up and tell me that you really cant stand me anymore. Either way, I am looking for a platonic relationship and closure.



kk

Inspiration

Wow, this post is so much different than the other two...

I had my first day at my new job yesterday. It was incredible! I am so excited to start working there! Its not that I don't like working where I am now, but the attitudes are so bad around that place. and I was offered a part time job with benefits! I do kind of feel bad about totally ditching old job though...

I have also come to the conclusion that this the best time of the year for me! This is what I have needed to get out of the funk I have been in. I want to do well at my job, I want to loose weight and look good. Most of all, I want to feel confident in myself all the time. I think the fact that I am finally totally over my ex-boyfriend has helped a lot. He was where I got my source of confidence for a long time, and its incredibly hard to gain that back. (totally unhealthy, right?)

Well, I am off to work out on this beautiful Saturday morning!

Work, Work, Work

Im at work today, not sure why. I can do this job from home. After all, thats why I moved into town, isnt it? No, I came here to do office hours. Because just working alone gets you nowhere in this job. In order to make any substantial amount of money you need to dedicate your life to this place. You have to do all the jobs that no one else, a.k.a. "the full-timers", wants to do. This includes cleaning out the dusty nasty supply cupboards in the garage or filing the insurance paperwork or organizing the equiptment that people use everyday.

But it doesnt matter, because I have already dedicated my life to this place.,.which means a lifetime of poverty and unhappiness. Guess I am in the same boat as most of the world. It would be nice to rise above that and at least just be happy.

Happiness

Today: I got up for work, a little bit grudgingly...snoozed a few minutes too long, but made it to work on time. It was a slow day and I had lots of time to think. (never a good thing!)

I have really missed college lately. I was thrown into the real world after my second let-down at college (or so I thought). Little would I know that after working a full time job and a part time job for my first college career that going away to college and only having a part time job but actually having a life would be so awesome! I love my job and all my co-workers are like a big family. An amazing support system for any problem or joy you could ever need to vent. Yet with all these great things around me, I wonder if I am really truly happy. I work a lot, and still live in the same town I grew up in, went to high school in, completed my college degree in. All my friends have moved away, moved on to bigger and better things. I still have friends, but they are all people that I work with. We are all so close that sometimes you just need to get away. I want to continue my college career...but Im not sure what I want to do and I dont know where I would go.

I DO know that I want to make some new friends and just live. Be happy. Every day, all day. :)