agrivation station

I feel so stupid sometimes. Mostly about boys. guys. men. Whatever you want to call them, I am 110% illiterate on the subject matter. I mainly feel stupid because I was fooled into falling in love knowing that the person I fell in love with didn't and probably wouldn't love me back. Did I mention I am also naive? Thinking that maybe true love would always win....yeah, that's a stretch and then some. Ok, so I am being extremely bitter now, but with good cause. See, my boyfriend, my first love, broke up with me peacefully and calmly. I am not certain he even shed a tear. Hestayed with the whole "wanting to still be friends" mantra...it seems to feel like it will always work out.

Well here's what I have to say to you for still wanting to be friends: I wish you would have been bitter. I wish you would have had specific reasons for breaking it off. I wish you would man up enough to tell me that you just dont like me at all. Not the whole "There is absolutly nothing 'wrong' about you, I just dont want to be in a relationship with you" line. I want you to not want to be around me. I want to be mad at you, but I have no real reason, other than this: My heart is in pieces, and every time I have it almost picked up and safeguarded from you, you seem to weasle back in just the slightest bit and make me think about you again. I wonder if you are doing ok. I wonder why, even though you say I am one of your best friends, that I am the one who has to initiate any 'hang out' time. I feel like a tool. In fact, I am a tool in your little messed up world. I work and bend myself around you because I enjoy spending time with you. (yes, as a friend, who would have thought???) Oh wait....We enjoyed each others friendship for a year and a half before we started dating...

I am tired of being the one who has to start it all. I am tired of being the one who makes the plans, and then waits for you to decide whether my time is worth yours or not.

Please make up your mind and either be the friend I know you are capable of being, or man up and tell me that you really cant stand me anymore. Either way, I am looking for a platonic relationship and closure.



kk