Introducing: Mamie Webber, paramedic, maniac, and guest blogger for the day

I've known Mamie for six years now, but it feels like a lot longer (that's not a bad thing, Mames).  I guess when you practically live with a group of people for 4 straight years you get to know them pretty well, and even better when it's an extremely high-stress environment that is also extremely dysfunctional.  Mamie said her guest posting would be a rant, but I think it's too sweet and under-exaggerated to be a rant. Don't worry, she promised better for next time. : )


-kk

Dance With Me…

          Becoming a partner in EMS is a dance. Your classroom tells you the steps. Your first job is all about taking those steps and putting them into practice on the dance floor, …our ambulance, our scenes.      


         As we learn how the steps actually fit together we become more confident, and we learn the dance routines. Every call or shift is a different dance. Like the dance for an arrest…. It has to be quick, fast, and together or we stumble. The steps are unique to each person. Same dance music, but what is their style? Are they stiff, precise, scared, or are they loose, fluid, confident?


         There are also the dances we learn with our various services we work with, whether it’s the weekly on-call crew we “live” with or other crews in a mutual aid situation or a new partner, a new boss…


          Learning the steps is hard work. It’s never easy at first. Frustration at each other can well up and overflow. Sometimes it’s frustration with ourselves. The cause of it can be anything from being a newbie to the profession, the newbie at the service we’re at, or the service operation itself. All these new people and different personalities and we have to learn how all of them do their job, sometimes before we can figure out how to do our own job.


         Eventually we get the steps down. It can happen subtly without us knowing just when it happened. It can be like a light bulb going off. It can be one lesson at a time. We may learn we can do IV’s flawlessly if we just stop thinking about it, what meds to give without agonizing over our decisions… Maybe it’s the day we automatically know what to do on any given scene without being asked or told. It can be the night where we know just what questions to ask our patient instead of wondering how to talk to them.


         And you realize it doesn't matter how you move it, you just gotta dance. 


Peace. Mamie

I'm done.

You know what really pisses me off? People who act like the world owes them something, that they are better than you for no other reason than they think they are. I am done dealing with people who can treat others horribly and walk away with a smile, whistling a happy tune. While I don't know many people like this, the few I do know are too much to handle even on my most gracious of days. Never in my life have I been rude or angry or vindictive to someone just because I can me. For me to act like that would take YEARS of foul offences from another person, and EVEN THEN I think I would rather walk away than be a bitch to you. Why should I stoop down to your level? The scum isn't so pretty down there. 

The thing I don't understand is how someone can be an outright bitch and still be happy? How can someone walk all over another person and go home and sleep at night without feeling remorse or regret for what they have done? My theories are this: You either don't have a heart(or if you do, I think by now it has shrivled into a small black lump), you dont have a brain, or you think SO HIGHLY of yourself that you think everyone in the world is below you. 

My next question is what in the HELL happened in your life that made you think you are better that everyone else? really, go on, tell me. Because I definitely missed out on the "How To Be A Bitch" class in kindergarten.

The whole purpose of this post is actually this:  Someone was really rude to me today for no reason. She was difficult towards me while I was just trying to help out another person. She really pissed me off, and I'm 100% sure that was her goal.  Well, I was venting to someone and they said to me "Kayla, she's a bitch. She's been a bitch for a long time, you know this. Why are you getting so upset?"  I realized that they were right, I did know the probably outcome of the situation, but I guess I always have hope that people will change. I also realized that I never EVER EVER want to get used to someone acting that way towards me, or anyone for that matter. If I let myself be okay with people being bitchy and walking all over me, whats next? I will have no backbone at all. I've never been a very confident person, and it has taken me a long time to become confident with who I am now. I'm not going to let one bitchy little blonde shit all over that. See, it's not that I'm better than her, I believe that we are all equal,  but I will not stoop down to that level of interaction with anyone.

WAH Wah wha Whaaaaaaaaa

So....its been a freaking ridiculous long time since I have blogged. I'm not sorry.  There's really nothing new to say that isn't extremely depressing or self-depreciating. Just another back injury at work and somehow, school again. pile that on my extreme procrastination dysfunction and its a big 'ol boozy party up in here. (No, I haven't been drinking. In the last few hours...) I may have also become much much more cynical. hmmm. Oh well!

The title of this entry really captures how I feel my tonight. Things aren't really this bad, but with only getting  3 hours of sleep a night for the last 6 weeks due to back pain all night, and attempting to work light duty (sitting and shredding documents that are older than I am) and considering the fact that I had to spend my whole spring break doing that because the "higher ups" at my soon-to-be-ex place of employment decided I had nothing fucking better to do has just put me into a bad mood that even Vicodin isn't dulling away right now. (yes, I am taking it for the shooting pains down my leg, not just because I felt like it.) These last two months have felt like the worst 3 months of my last favorite job have been graciously put on replay. Like it wasn't agonizing and retarded enough the first time it all happened.

Well, I don't have any other thoughts except that my wonderful employee health nurse decided I don't need to be on work comp anymore and my last work paycheck was $3.59...and that has to get me through 2 more weeks, well...yeah, thats all I have to say.

I hope for my sake the next post is sooner and a hell of a lot more cheery than this one.

Night suckers.

How did I get here?

At least the question isn't "where did I come from?" I feel like life has been flying by at high speed. (in high def too!) I moved to Fargo in May when my lease in Morris was up, and holy crap, its already mid-august! Im getting ready to move to a new town-house with Jacob and Danielle, and oh, I got a full time job in Alex. lately I have been thinking about where I want to go with my life, what I want to do. I am a really sad that I am not going back to school this semester.  Recently I was informed about this program called the JET program, where I would go to Japan and work there for a year with an inter-cultural program and help Japanese people learn English and become more proficient in the language. This would be an amazing chance, but it would mean that I would have to quit this amazing job that I just got and start school all over again. (you have to have a bachelors degree to go into this program) Not to mention find another job here in Fargo and be able to work enough to pay my bills. It makes my head spin.


I WANT to go back to school, I enjoy it and have more goals that I would like to accomplish but at the same time I JUST got this job that I love. I have absolutely no idea. Knowing me, I will stick to the safe (and boring) route. Who knows? I am still wondering how I got to this point. 

Hao Jiao, Bu Jian!

It has been a while! So much has happened in the last month, I don't even know where to begin. Well, as I have stated before, SCAS is no longer a part of my life. This time last month, saying, thinking, or hearing that would have put me straight into tears, but now its a sigh of relief. I miss working there, but it is so nice to have some time to myself. To actually be home when I am in town, and not view my apartment as a space where all my crap lives, while I live in a steel pole shed with some ambulances. 


The best news that I have is that I started school again, for Photography Imaging! It feels very good to be going back to school. (not something I thought I would say) 


The saddest news I have is that I have not worked in a truck since the 8th of December and I miss it to a point of insanity. Thankfully my back and knee have been doing well! I have an MRI on Friday to see what the heck is actually going on with my knee, and hopefully it's not too bad, and I will be able to go back to work! While it has been nice to focus on homework and such for the last few weeks, I have been so bored! (and those bills I have would LOVE to get paid, :) 


Life is good. ^_^

Great Scott!

Well I have had some time to cool down since the last rant. (definitely needed it...) And did some research, and am waiting to hear back from some people, but it looks like I, Kayla Van Eps, made a decision about her future. The best part is, unlike all the other billions of times, that this one feels 100% right!  So here's a cheer to hoping that I get the info that I need and can do what I want!

I would also like to thank everyone who has been a shoulder for me in the last week. I know I haven't been in any sort of semi happy mood. I greatly appreciate all the support!

kk

Isnt it Ironic?

So this job that I have been endlessly bitching about...well its about to be over. Not by my choosing though. That means I should be happy, right? Not the case. The county government decided to sell the ambulance service (against the ambulance committee's recommendation) to a man that I refuse to work for. I have put my heart and soul into this place. It has been a part of my life for 25% of my life. When I look around and see all the things that I have done here, all the things I have changed, and especially all the people that I have met that have become a family to me, it breaks my heart to have heard one of the county commissioners go as far as saying "the employee's opinions don't count on the matter!" All because he wants to make the quick buck for the county, shoving aside the concerns of the community's safety. Guess that just doesn't matter when the county needs money. I am heartbroken, but I am also a bit relieved. Relieved in the fact that my decision to leave is now incredibly easy. Relieved that the choice was pretty much made for me. That I don't have to be the one walking away, because I really didn't have the strength before, even if I had wanted to.

Thank you, SCAS, for breaking up with me! Even if it was the dumbest, most hasty and worst decision the county could have ever made. ...oh, but it doesn't matter what the employees think, so I hope that when the new guy comes in he brings his army of EMT's and Medics, because there isn't going to be anyone left here.